In the Valley of the Shadow of Death
by Collen DeWitt
Summary: I'm back!!!!! 3 New Chapters! How can a family cope when Simion is terminally ill?
1. Part One

7th Heaven  
  
"   
  
  
It all started with the flu.   
  
A simple, ordinary flu that no one had noticed, least of all Simon. He felt lost in his huge family, and since his father had barley gotten out of the hospital he didn't think he should worry his mother by telling her about how weak he felt and how, at times, he could barley get out of bed. Maybe he should of. Maybe then something could have been done in time. Maybe… Maybe…. Maybe. That thought ran through his mind as his world went black.  
  
*  
  
"Is he ok?" Annie asked the doctor with a tearstained face. She remembered watching her son collapse as he had come downstairs for dinner. This couldn't be happening. She had only been in this very hospital waiting for word on her husband a few months ago, now she was here again with the same sinking feeling in her heart. Simon had to be okay. Eric had and now her son would be too. He had too…  
  
"I'm afraid not," the doctor began, "Apparently your son had a infection that went untreated. The infection then went to his heart. Simon's suffering from cardiomyopathy. What that means is that the virus has attacked and destroyed his heart."  
  
"His heart?" Eric repeated solemnly.  
  
"Yes. The muscle has become enlarged causing it to work harder to give him oxygen. Right now we're working on stabilizing him and putting him on medications so he can go home."  
  
"Once he's home will he be alright then?" Annie put in.  
  
The doctor paused as if he knew he was going to tell them news that they didn't want to hear. "Normally a heart transplant would be his only real hope but I'm afraid a transplant wouldn't do any good in Simon's already weakened state. He'd only reject the new heart. I'm so sorry."  
  
" So, what you're saying is that you're sending him home to die?" Eric questioned. Hoping that he worst fears weren't about to come true.  
  
Dr. Laboryteux shifted from one foot to the other. He hated doing this. His job was to heal and when he couldn't he didn't know what to do. "I'm sorry." he repeated.  
  
Annie couldn't believe it. It was her fault really. How could she not notice her sick son? She was his mother and mothers weren't suppose to let their sons fall through the cracks. But with seven, basically nine, counting Kevin and Robbie, children and Simon- with the exception of the drinking episode- being one of the less attention grabbing ones, it was easy to overlook what was going on in his life. Hell, she had paid more attention to Lucy and Kevin's never-ending love saga then to Simon. How could she have done that?  
  
"How long?" Eric asked.  
  
"Two maybe three months at the most. I-" the doctor stopped. "Would you like me to tell him?"  
  
"I'll do it." Annie responded. She had brought him into the world and she felt it was she who should tell him that he was dying. Dying. She repeated to herself again. Dying. Even the word seemed too final. So horrible.  
  
  
*  
  
  
"Get ready, they should be here any moment." Lucy called to the rest of the Camden clan. They had planned a welcome home party of sorts. Something to bring up everyone's sprits. Lucy still couldn't believe it and frankly chose not to. So, she had called Matt, Sarah and Mary and told them to come home. Basically the welcome home party was for them, so Simon wouldn't feel like things had changed and would have to deal with his entire immediate family making him the center of attention and reminding him about-  
Her mind skipped that thought and went back to planning the party.  
  
  
Eric sat paralyzed in his office. He was suppose to be at the hospital helping Annie bring Simon home but for some reason he couldn't get up from his chair. Okay so physically he could, but mentally he didn't seem to want to. As if he stayed in this spot things would go back to as they were before. Sure he had his faith but even that seemed to be faltering. He had come close to death twice now and both times he had walked away. Why couldn't his son? He and his family had been in tough spots before and all those times except now, things had turned at alright. It didn't seem fair to Eric. If someone had to die why couldn't it be him. He had watched his parishioners go through the loss of a child, but then it hadn't been him. It hadn't been his family. And he didn't see how they would ever get through this. But somehow he had to. Somehow he had to be there for Annie and Simon and the rest of his children. Just as he always had in the past. So he stood up and walked out the door.  
  
  
Simon tried to accept what was happening to him but found he couldn't. He was scared. Scared for his family, but mostly for himself. Thankfully his medication kept him pretty out of it most of the time so he didn't have to deal with it much. But when he couldn't catch his breathe or went to sleep he wondered if it was his last. One day it would. And what would become of the people he left behind? Oh, he had often wondered if his family really needed him or where he fit in or if they would really care he wasn't there. But he knew that was all crap and that they loved him but had he told them that enough? Had he done enough? Had he made any mark on the world by being in it? There wasn't any time. No time at all.   
  
  
"Surprise!" they yelled as their parents and Simon walked through the back door, oxygen tank in tow. It felt strange to Matt, being home again. Especially like this. He had a whole separate life back in New York with Sarah but that didn't mean he hadn't missed this one. And now when he was finally back he was going to loose his little brother. All the wrongs he had ever done to Simon went threw his head and he regretted everyone of them. He knew it was silly but he felt like he should of protected him for this somehow. Like he could. Maybe that was what being a doctor meant. Being powerless and to know when you were. He didn't like that feeling.   
  
Simon walked behind his parents and saw Mary, Matt and Sarah standing there and sighed. He didn't want his entire family to come rushing to his deathbed. All they needed now was his grandparents, Ginger, Julie and Hank. Granted he knew they meant well but it seemed false.  
  
  
"Maybe you should go lie down." Annie questioned after the festivities were over. Her son looked pale, his bluish lips and nails, due to the lack of oxygen, apparent and a weariness settling over him. He could only go twenty minutes without coughing and taking a breathe out of his oxygen mask.   
  
"Alright." he said smiling slightly at her. He placed a hand on Annie's shoulder as if to reassure her and turned around knowing full well that everyone in his family was watching him walk away. 


	2. Regrettable Laughs

In the Valley of the Shadow of Death  
Chapter Two: Regrettable Laughs  
Mary had been away for so long that she felt disconnected, left out of the family somehow. Oh, she knew that it was all for the best and that she needed to have a life separate from them, but that didn't make coming home any easier. And this thing with Simon. She didn't know how to feel about that. Mary regretted the fact that she had been away all this time and that, out of all her brothers and sisters, she had never really gotten to be as close to Simon as she should have been.  
  
Simon and Matt had the whole big brother- little brother bonding thing, Lucy and Simon had always seemed to understand one another, Ruthie and Simon had been inseparable- at least when they were younger, and Simon had prayed for Sam and David. Where did that leave her in the mix?  
  
Matt stumbled into the kitchen pondering on what it had taken to get him to return home. "Hey," he looked up surprised to see Simon alone at the table. "Do you want to go see a movie with me? You know like old times?"  
  
Simon looked up and replied, "I'd like to, but I'm kinda tired. May be tomorrow?"  
"Yea sure." Matt uttered as he started to turn away, but stopped. "You know, you can't just ignore us for the rest of you life."  
  
"That's not to long, now is it?" Simon spat back.  
  
Matt felt like he could stick his food in his mouth. " I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say that."  
  
"Don't tell me you're sorry. That's all everyone keeps telling me. That's why I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to hear your goodbyes, I don't want your pity. Do you know I've had people who I haven't talked to in years, call me up just to tell me how sorry they feel? I know I'm dying. But that doesn't mean everyone has to treat me like I'm some freak. If you want to go to the movies to go see a movie then fine, but if you just want me to go so you can say how much I mean to you, then no."   
  
He didn't mean to have an outburst like that, but as time progressed he had grown bitter. All he wanted was to be normal again. To not have to think about what was going to happen to him. Of course it didn't help that everyone kept reminding him. Pulling him aside to have little chats about life and death and how they felt about having their 16 year old brother die of heart failure. Like Mary, Matt and Sarah coming to see him. He knew they meant well and he was glad to see them, but he knew that if the circumstances were different they wouldn't of even though about coming back. Hell, when their father had had life threatening surgery it was only Sarah, who wasn't technically family, who had bothered to come home. Besides he was alone in this. Completely and utterly alone.  
  
"Fine, do you want to go, just to see a movie then?" Matt asked, slightly taken back.  
"Sure." Simon smiled and pointed to the tank. "If only my friend here can come along. 


	3. Ruthie's Musings

In the Valley of the Shadow of Death  
  
A/N: Sorry it took so long to update…  
The house was silent.  
  
It was not the kind of silence Ruthie had wished for her entire life, but it was an eerie, distressing kind of stillness that made the loudest noise of all.  
It felt like her family was a stack of cards and the slightest breeze would make the entire house fall. Perhaps it had always been this way; the queen stacked on the king, joker, ace; and now they were all struggling to stay on top. And they would. All except Simon, move further, higher in the pile. This was a kind of realization that Ruthie couldn't except. She had always been smart, wise beyond her years, but she couldn't' understand why all this was happening. The big brother, who she had neglected and been neglected by, was going to go away forever, like her Grandma had.  
  
"Hey," she spoke watching Simon and Matt step in from the back door, her thoughts interrupted. "How was the movie?"  
  
"Great," Simon responded, not admitting that in light of the recent events in his life the make believe world of movies seemed rather trivial. "You would of liked it Ruthie."  
  
"Really? Maybe I'll go see it then." she replied using meaningless small talk as Simon kissed her on her forehead and spoke, "Well, I'm going up to bed. See you guys tomorrow."  
  
Ruthie looked on after him. Recalling that Simon, having never been overly emotional, had never done that before. "Well, things change." she said to herself, reminiscing that she had learned that much last year.  
  
"I'm going to go find Sarah." Matt said touching her lightly on her shoulder as he walked away, both noting that it was only six pm.  
  
Ruthie, always the observer, stumbled on to Kevin and Lucy talking in the den.   
  
"I just wish this would all be over son we could get on with our lives." Kevin spoke bitterly as Lucy turned to him sharply.  
  
"You didn't just say that. My bro-"  
  
"Yes, yes. Your beloved brother is dying, and I'm sorry. Really I am but that doesn't mean our lives have to stop."  
  
She threw her hands in the air and laughed angrily. "Yes it does!" she paused. "I want to spend as much time with him as possible. And if that means our relationship is put on hold then--"  
  
"I don't know if I can accept that," Kevin said aggressively as he grabbed her shoulder. "Luce, don't be stupid. Waiting around till your brother croaks is not an ideal idea to me. And it shouldn't be for you either. Besides you don't need them, you have me. I love you."  
  
Lucy smiled and gave in. "I love you too. Fine, we'll continue with the wedding plans. I'm sure Simon and everyone will understand." They embraced and Ruthie turned from them. She couldn't believe this. Lucy had always been relationship driven--letting each boyfriend mold her into who she was, instead of doing it herself-- but she could never believe that Lucy would even stoop to this level. Ruthie sighed to herself and headed upstairs.  
  
  
She awoke and stumbled into Simon's room. She didn't know why but something just mad her migrate there. He was sleeping as she walked in and Ruthie began to think of the fun she and he used to spend together. It saddened her to think that if he hadn't of gotten sick she would still be strangers; never talking, much less being in the same room together. She stepped out of her thoughts and proceeded to shake him awake. It didn't work at first, nor the second time and her heart jumped into her chest . Not yet. He couldn't be gone, there was still time she repeated over and over to herself.  
  
"Ruthie, what's wrong? What are you doing?" Simon spat startled.  
  
"N-Nothing." she spoke quickly as relief flooded back into her system. "I just came in to say hi, and to wake you for breakfast."  
  
Simon looked puzzled and then a look of understanding came over him.  
"Hi," he smiled and kissed her on the forehead again. "You know Ruthie, I'm fine. Today anyway."  
  
She shrugged her shoulders and spoke softly, "I know." She hated it when he did that. Kiss her on the forehead. It was so unlike him and she desperately wanted after all despite all her 'wisdom' was still a child and wanted everything back the way it was.  
  
"Since we both know that, let's go downstairs and see what mom made for breakfast."  
***  
  
After breakfast Ruthie stumbled around the house aimlessly. She knew she was suppose to go to school but somehow she didn't feel like going and pretending that everything was alright. It wasn't like anyone would notice. No one noticed much of anything now and no one noticed anything before except Lucy and Kevin's relationship. No one had bothered to notice that Simon had been ill.  
  
*** 


	4. The Empty Chair

In the Valley of the Shadow of Death  
  
Chapter Four: The Empty Chair  
  
A/N : Sorry it took so long. Is anyone still interested? Also what happened to the story called "A Place in this World"? Another thing I wrote the previous chapter when I hated Kevin and felt that he had the potential to abuse Lucy, now that there are married I think he's not so bad so for the sake of this story, Lucy and Kevin will have already been married. Okay? Thanks!  
  
***  
  
Nigel Hamilton, didn't know why he was doing this. He and Simon hadn't been friends since junior high, And knowing Simon- if he was still the Simon he used to know- he wouldn't want old friends coming out of the woodwork. But here he was anyway, knocking on the door and waiting for someone to answer.  
  
"Nigel! Come in. It's been awhile. How have you been?" Annie Camden responded happily.  
  
  
  
"Hi Mrs. Camden. I've been alright. Um, I was hoping to talk to Simon?"  
  
  
  
The smile faded ever so slightly and a look of fear quickly passed her eyes at the mere mention of the name. "Sure, he's in his room. Do you remember it?"  
  
"Yeah, thanks." he responded with a smile.  
  
"…No you want to hold it like this-" Nigel overheard Simon say to his brothers as he walked into the room and knocked on the door.  
  
"No mom, for the millionth time I don't need anything." Simon replied not bothering to look up.  
  
"It's not your mom. It's-"  
  
"Nigel." he replied as he stood up slowly. "What are you doing here?"  
  
"Not sure really." he said bluntly. "I heard about what happened from my parents and I just kinda found myself here."  
  
"Oh…so how have you been?" Simon said quickly changing the subject.  
  
"Okay actually. But for awhile I was in a bit of trouble."  
  
"Really?" Simon was shocked, "But you were the one who always knew the right, levelheaded thing to do I remember you talking me out of a couple of stupid ideas."  
  
Nigel grinned recalling the memory. "Yeah, I guess I lost it for awhile there. I got into drugs. That's why I haven't been around much. -rehab-."  
  
"Wow." was Simon's only response.  
  
  
  
"So anyways that's where I've been. And how about you? I mean before all this?" he motioned to the medical paraphernalia.  
  
"Not much." he responded as both looked down at their hands awkwardly.  
  
"Remember Dena?"  
  
"How could I not? Remember when you bought those ridiculous hair clips trying to be like Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet in TITANIC ?"  
  
  
  
Simon chuckled back. "Oh yeah, I remember. Well I heard from her the other say. It was weird, for the past few months I've been obsessing over Cecelia but hearing from Dena again I realize that I love her… too bad--"  
  
"Why don't we catch a movie or something?" Nigel interrupted wanting to change the subject again before it grew to depressing.  
  
"Sure." Simon responded taken back.  
  
"Alright. Do you need to bring anything with you?"  
  
Simon looked over to the oxygen tank in the corner and thought about bringing it but changed his mind. Today had been a good day, he hadn't even used it once. Why bring himself back into that world tonight? He knew he didn't have too many good days left-- Simon didn't know how right he was.  
  
***  
  
It all happened rather fast. Clasping to the floor, struggling to breathe, the red of the sirens. Fate was cruel to Simon Camden , it would grant him no day of peace. The Camden's dinner was disturbed that night by a call from the hospital. And a chair stood empty would never again be filled.  
  
A/N: Sorry if it went by fast but I wanted to get past this phase because the buck of the story is not about Simon, but about what happens after. I don't know why I stuck Nigel (that was his name right?) and Dena back in there, I always liked them so I figured they could give Simon a good send off hehe. Well Hope you liked it J 


	5. The Long Goodbye

7th Heaven  
  
Chapter Five: The Long Goodbye  
  
Annie sat dumbstruck, all of this was happening to fast. Sure Simon had been ill before but now the doctors were saying that there wasn't much time left, that he was failing fast. Her son lay upstairs and would never come back down again. The last trip to the movies with Nigel and a going a day with out oxygen had wiped him out, for all tense and purposes Simon Camden was done with the world.  
  
Slowly and quietly she crept up the stairs and peeped into his room. He was sleeping- did that a lot lately. She took a chair and just sat there watching his chest rise and fall. Annie remembered the day he was born, child number 4, she had already been an old hat at it. He always been such a good person, always wanted to help. He was so much like his father in that regard.   
  
She still felt guilty about not noticing his initial illness to begin with. She had always been a good mother but for the past year she knew she had failed. With so many of her children grown, Mary, Matt, Luce, she had felt like she was basically done and her moods had shifted, she had grown inward. She recalled once calling Simon 15 and having Sam and David reminding her that he was 16. Yes, things had changed. Annie could tell you everyone of her children's; past boyfriends and girlfriends but she could not pin point the exact day her son had first begun to grow ill. And now she had realized it too late. Her sweet, generous, talented middle son was dying and breaking her heart in two.  
  
*~*  
  
Unlike in the movies the dying do not usually part with poetic and poignant words- uttered at the last breath- such was the case for Simon. After writing eight letters, one line scribbled in each, he left this world for the next, with as much dignity as he had brought into it.   
  
Annie Camden, there at the moment of his birth, was there to witness his end. He woke up, looked her in the eye, smiled and breathed his last. But Annie's heart did not break in two like she had originally thought. It broke, crumbled, burned and disintegrated. She had heard Eric's parishioners talk about the loss of a child before, then she had smiled and nodded , but never understood. But now she did. No pain- not even when her beloved mother died- compared to the pain she was feeling right now. She felt Eric come in and walk up to the bed.  
  
"Annie is he…?" he started as his voice broke.  
  
Her grip on Simon's already cold hands tightened. No, she wouldn't believe it, he was fine. None of this had happened. She willed him to wake up, to breathe once more, just for a few more hours… to say goodbye… she thought she had more time… people always think they have more time… Simon had and now he was… he was… dead. Gone for the rest of her lifetime.  
  
"Yes, Eric he's dead." she responded at last.  
  
*~*  
  
The next days drifted in a haze for Annie. Calling the church, her dad , Ginger, Eric's parents and sister, telling the other children. All brought her to this moment, watching her son's casket being lowered into the ground. She looked into the hole and wanted to jump in there with him. To comfort and protect, like she should of done before. She almost laughed to herself remembering what some well intentioned mourner had said earlier, "Well at least you have six other children." She didn't have six more Simons. She only had one Simon and now she had lost him. She could lose any of them. At any time, any second. The thought scared her. Oh, she knew of the possibility before but now it had happened. She had lost one. She had never though it could happen. Things like that didn't happen to her family.  
  
"Annie?" Eric spoke, interrupting her thoughts. The minister, even at his son's funeral. It was time to throw dirt on the grave. Her hand shook, Matt had to help her turn her hand over. Somehow she couldn't tell the dirt falling from her tears.   
  
It was from then on, the family that seemed to have everything, began to fall apart. 


	6. Broken

In the Valley of the Shadow of Death  
  
Chapter 6: Broken  
  
***  
  
Eric Camden, unlike his wife, took that well intentioned mourner's words to heart. He did have six more children. He knew he had to be the strong one, do what he always did in a crisis. The only way he knew how was to forget. He had to pretend as if Simon had never existed. That way maybe the heavy weight in his chest and the long nights of sleeplessness would end. Besides Annie was a wreck. So, he had to stop feeling, stop remembering, stop everything that had to do with Simon.  
  
*  
  
"So, I thought we thought we'd stay awhile." Ruth Camden put in as she tried to cut threw the adverted glances and melancholy faces at dinner that night. "Maybe a month or so. Until things get…. Ah… settled."  
  
"That'd be great mom." Eric looked over and smiled. Some more knives scraped across the plate, glasses clicked and not a word was spoken. He looked around the table, his entire family was there, it was great having them all together again.  
  
"Too bad we'll never be all together again." Annie spoke, as usual she was thinking the exact opposite of what he was thinking and annoyingly she had the guts to say it. "I mean without Simon and all." she continued.  
  
"So, Matt, Sarah, when will the two of you be heading back?" Eric responded. Anything in which to change the subject.  
  
"Um…" Matt started slightly taken back as he exchanged a worried glace with his wife. "We're not too sure. We got some time off for a death in the family…" his voice trailed off and he looked down at his hands uncomfortably.  
  
Eric wished for the time when he didn't have to step around egg shells with his own family. He wanted, not unlike his youngest daughter, for things to go back to the way they were.  
  
"Why should they go rushing back Eric? We need to stay together. Simon would of…" she began.  
  
Eric had it. He threw his napkin on the table and turned to her. "Enough Annie. Can't we have one meal without being reminded of him?" then he uncharacteristically stormed off to his office. However, before leaving he saw Mary burst into tears.  
  
Unfortunately, pain followed him into his office. There on his desk, in Simon's distinct handwriting was a note with the word "dad" on it. Tears began to form in his eyes and he angrily brushed him away. He didn't want to read it ,but knew he had to. He sighed, sat down and began to read the single line written on it.   
  
"Perhaps even these things, one day, will be pleasing to remember."- by Virgil  
  
He couldn't take it. Simon's well intentioned words did not bring comfort as they were meant to. He wanted to forget even more, the pain was too close and he's be dammed if he fell apart now. He had to do it. So, Eric slowly climbed the steps to the room that had been abandoned by the other occupants of the house. Simon had only been dead two weeks but in an angry rage his father began to throw out 16 years of a life into boxes. Thus, his family found he like this, acting like a half crazed animal.  
  
"Daddy?" Ruthie questioned gently.  
  
Eric held out his arm to her. "Hi sweetie. I've been thinking. You shouldn't be up alone in the attic. So, would you like this as a room? It'd be kinda nice…"  
  
Ruthie stepped away from her father horrified. "I don't want this room."  
  
"Fine!" Eric said sharply. "You always were so hard to please. Mary how about you? Move back home? Be close to your family? What do you say?"  
  
Mary, atypically burst into tears again. "I can't take this. I'm going for a drive." she spoke as she backed out of the room.  
  
"Doing what you do best. Running away when things get too hard. I suppose if I were a boy you'd jump at the chance--" Eric went on not knowing what he was saying and not meaning a word.  
  
Annie walked over and slapped him on the face. "What's wrong with you. Would you want Simon to see you act like this?"  
  
Eric rolled his eyes and touched his cheek. Silly there was no Simon. "I don't want to remember." he said softly.  
  
  
  
"And I," she responded as she took the box out of his hand. "don't want to forget."  
  
Broken they all were, indeed.  
  
***  
  
a/n : hope you liked this chapter! 


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